The Raising Kids with Purpose Podcast

School refusal is so often labeled defiance, manipulation, or laziness, but it's actually a child's nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do: keep them safe. In this episode, Adriane shares her own years-long journey through school refusal with her son, from the "perfect student" mask that cracked open at home, to the day he walked into a classroom and walked right back out yelling "anxiety sucks," to finally finding the environment where he could thrive. Along the way, she shares the tips, mindset shifts, and advocacy strategies she wishes she'd known back then.
In this episode:
Why school refusal is a nervous system response, not a choice
What a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile of autism looks like at home vs. at school
The moment everything came to a head and the two words her son yelled that changed everything
Why "you're just rescuing him" isn't the whole story
7 things that actually help: starting with the nervous system, getting curious before consequences, identifying the underlying need, choosing the right environment, choosing people who see the child, becoming a strong advocate, and staying consistent without force
Resources mentioned:
Prenda — microschool network Adriane worked with for four years; a great option to look into if your child has high anxiety or school refusal
Beyond Behaviors (This is an affiliate link) by Dr. Mona Delahooke — reframes behavior as "the tip of the iceberg," pointing to unmet needs underneath 
The Self-Driven Child (This is an affiliate link) by William Stixrud, PhD, and Ned Johnson — on kids' core developmental need for autonomy and agency
Seth Perler — executive function coach; a great resource on advocating for your child at school
Homeschooling While Working Full Time — Adriane's blog post on how she made it work
Connect with Adriane:
Have a question or story to share? Email hello@raisingkidswithpurpose.com 
Purpose Parent Transformation Program: (https://raisingkidswithpurpose.thrivecart.com/1-1-purpose-parent-program/)
The new Purpose Learning Program: (https://raisingkidswithpurpose.thrivecart.com/communication-and-sel-program/) 
Book a Parent Support Discovery Call: www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com/chat
If this episode helped you, a quick review means the world!  It's how another overwhelmed parent finds this podcast right when they need it.

Your kid melts down, tells you no, or hits their sibling and has aggressive behaviors, and it's exhausting. There are two hidden problems behind almost every "big behavior": there's always something deeper going on under the iceberg. In this episode, Adriane reveals the two hidden reasons behind defiance, meltdowns, and hitting and why once you see it, you can't unsee it.
In this episode, you'll learn:
Why defiance, meltdowns, and hitting are three different masks for the same underlying reasons
The Iceberg Theory of behavior and why what you see is never the whole story
What's really happening in your child's brain (and why the prefrontal cortex isn't the villain here)
How to translate defiance, meltdowns, and hitting into what your child is actually communicating
One simple shift in the question you ask yourself that changes how you respond to almost everything
Mentioned in this episode:
Blog post: Kids Playing With Toy Guns - https://raisingkidswithpurpose.com/kids-playing-with-toys-guns/
Blog post: The Ultimate Guide to Understanding Sensory Processing Systems - https://raisingkidswithpurpose.com/sensory-processing-systems/
The sensory series:
Episode 13: The 8 Sensory Systems Every Parent Needs to Understand (Part 1/3): Tactile, Vestibular and Proprioceptive
Episode 14: The 8 Sensory Systems Every Parent Needs to Know (Part 2/3): Sound, Sight, Smell & Taste
Episode 15: The 8 Sensory Systems Every Parent Needs to Know (Part 3/3): The Sense No One Talks About
Free Workshop #3: How to Get Your Kids to Actually Listen Without Yelling, Repeating Yourself, or Losing Your Mind — August 24th @ 9:00am PT. Register here - https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/h6x2s0 
Learn more about the PURPOSE Parent Transformation Program
Loved this episode? Leave a review on Apple Podcasts. It helps another overwhelmed parent find this show.

If your kid melts down out of nowhere, digs in their heels, or reacts in a way that leaves you completely stumped, this episode is for you. Adriane breaks down five simple, doable strategies for parenting a child with big behaviors that don't include another discipline chart or consequence system, but tools that actually work with your child's brain instead of against it.
In this episode, you'll learn:
Why "bad behavior" is almost always a signal of an unmet need, not a character flaw
How to identify what's really driving your child's behavior (hunger, tiredness, overstimulation, disconnection)
How to proactively build routines that prevent meltdowns before they start
Simple ways to help your child express big feelings before they show up as behavior
Why your own nervous system is the most powerful tool you have (and how to use it)
When — and when NOT — to teach a new skill
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Blog post: 5 Easy Strategies for Parenting Kids with Behavior Problems - 
Free download: Calm Down Toolkit (for kids)
Free download: Calm Mom Toolkit (for you)
Build in the pause — Episode 2: The Power of Pausing in Parenting: How to Stop Reacting and Start Responding
Free download: Routine Chart (laminate it — morning & evening steps your kids can follow on their own)
Watch: How to Become Your Child's Emotion Coach — 5 Steps (YouTube)
The sensory series mentioned:
Episode 13: The 8 Sensory Systems Every Parent Needs to Understand (Part 1/3): Tactile, Vestibular and Proprioceptive
Episode 14: The 8 Sensory Systems Every Parent Needs to Know (Part 2/3): Sound, Sight, Smell & Taste
Episode 15: The 8 Sensory Systems Every Parent Needs to Know (Part 3/3): The Sense No One Talks About
Using play to teach the skill:
Episode 21: Why Your Kid Keeps Disobeying You And What Works Faster Than Timeouts
Episode 23: 5 Playful Habits to Build a Stronger Bond With Your Kids
Loved this episode? Take a screenshot and tag Adriane on social, or leave a review on Apple Podcasts. It helps other overwhelmed parents find this show.Find a time to chat: www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com/chat 

You're playing with your kids because you know it's good for them, but something feels off. You might even feel annoyed. In this episode, I break down the 5 specific ingredients that make play actually land and create a stronger bond with your kids. At first, you'll have to think about these things, but the more you do it, the more they'll all become a habit! 
In this episode, you'll hear:
Why "playing with your kid" and "connecting with your kid" aren't always the same thing
The 5 playful habits that make the difference: Presence, Flexibility, Curiosity, Acceptance, and Joy
Why trading "I have the answer" for "I wonder" opens up more connection than correction ever will
How to become curious and flexible especially when your kid is having hard behaviors
Why joy is a choice you make on purpose, even on hard days — not a feeling you wait to show up
Which of the 5 you're probably missing right now, and how to start with just one
Go Deeper: Read the full framework this episode is built on: The Ultimate Guide To Becoming a Playful Parent: raisingkidswithpurpose.com/playful-parent
Free Resource: Grab your free Playful Parenting Scripts — ready-to-use phrases for connecting through play: Download here
Want to go deeper? We spend a full module on all 5 of these — with real practice, not just theory — inside the Purpose Parent Transformation Program. Head to raisingkidswithpurpose.com/chat to see if it's a good fit.
Previous episodes on play:
22 // How to Be a Playful Parent When You're in Parental Burn Out - https://theparentingwithpurposepodcast.podbean.com/e/parentburnout/
21 // Why Your Kid Keeps Disobeying You And What Works Faster Than Timeouts -  https://theparentingwithpurposepodcast.podbean.com/e/disobedientkid/ 
 
Loved this episode? Screenshot it and tag me on Instagram, and subscribe so you never miss an episode.
With joy, Adriane

"I don't have time to play with my kids" is rarely about the clock. It's usually beliefs and burnout talking. In this episode, I talk about why play can feel almost threatening when you're completely depleted, what the research actually says about getting out of that state, and why the fix isn't finding more time; it's a mindset shift.
In this episode, you'll hear:
Why play feels like the LAST thing you have energy for when you're burnt out (and why that's not a personal failure)
What experts say actually drives parental burnout — hint: it's often the "shoulds" and the pressure to do it perfectly, not the lack of time itself
Why short, connected moments can act like a deposit instead of a withdrawal, even when you're running on empty
The one mindset swap to try this week instead of trying to "find more time"
Free Resource Mentioned: Grab your free Playful Parenting Scripts. Ready-to-use phrases for connecting through play, even in small moments: https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/u2q5m4 
Go Deeper: Read the full framework this episode is built on: raisingkidswithpurpose.com/playful-parent
Want more support? This is exactly what we work through, hands-on, inside the PURPOSE Parent Transformation Program - https://raisingkidswithpurpose.thrivecart.com/1-1-purpose-parent-program/
Schedule a call here: www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com/chat 
Loved this episode? Screenshot it and tag me on Instagram, and subscribe so you never miss an episode.
 

Your kid isn't trying to make your life harder. In this episode, I'm breaking down what "disobedience" actually is (hint: it's rarely defiance), why play works faster than timeouts to turn it around, and sharing some of my own play-in-action stories from our house: the wins, the messy middle, and everything in between.
In this episode, you'll hear:
What's really going on when your kid "won't listen" or "won't obey"; are disobedient and why that label misses what's actually happening
Why timeouts and consequences often don't touch the real issue
How play shifts a power struggle into cooperation, faster than you'd expect
Real stories from my own kids — the moments play turned a standoff into giggles (and the ones that took a few tries)
Free Resource Mentioned: Grab your free Playful Parenting Scripts — ready-to-use phrases to turn everyday "no's" into connection and cooperation: Download here: https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/u2q5m4
Go Deeper: For the full framework this episode is built on, head to the blog: raisingkidswithpurpose.com/playful-parent
Loved this episode? Take a screenshot and tag me on Instagram, and don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode of parenting advice you wish your parents had.Connect with Adriane: www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com/chat

These 7 tools are about being intentional with the time you already have, not adding more to your plate.
#1: PlayKids learn, process, and connect through play — and you don't have to love everything they love. The key is finding the overlap. What works for both of you? Lean into that. Even 10 minutes of genuine, engaged play sends a message that no lecture ever could.
#2: FOCUS Time — Quality One-On-One TimeFOCUS stands for Focus On Creating Uninterrupted Scheduled Time. One-on-one, non-tech, carved out just for them. This has been a secret weapon in Adriane's family for reducing sibling conflict and attention-seeking behaviors — because kids who feel known stop working so hard to be noticed.
#3: Hug — and Hold ItFamily therapist Virginia Satir said we need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 for maintenance, and 12 for growth. Research shows a hug needs to be at least 20 seconds to have a real physiological impact on the nervous system. Don't skip it — even when they squirm.
#4: Bedtime BondingBedtime is one of the most underrated connection opportunities in the day. Kids open up at night. The defenses come down. Five minutes of reading, storytelling, or snuggling — with no agenda — can be the most connecting thing that happens all day.
#5: Eat Dinner TogetherResearch on family dinners is clear: kids who eat regularly with their families build larger vocabularies, eat healthier, and have lower rates of anxiety, depression, and substance use. Family culture is built at the dinner table. It doesn't have to be elaborate — it just has to be consistent.
#6: Effort-Based Praise"Good job" and "You're so smart" can actually reduce motivation over time. When kids are praised for ability, they avoid challenges to protect that identity. Effort-based praise — "I noticed how hard you worked on that" — builds resilience, growth mindset, and helps kids feel truly seen rather than just evaluated.
#7: Disconnect to ConnectTechnology is quietly replacing the eye contact and attuned human connection that developing brains need most. Practical starting points: charge your phone in your bedroom instead of the kitchen, designate no-phone zones or hours in your home, and turn off sound notifications during family time.
The Big PictureThe relationship you are building right now is the one that lasts. It doesn't require perfection — it requires presence. Connection IS the discipline. Connection IS the foundation.
RESOURCES MENTIONED
P.U.R.P.O.S.E. Parent Transformation Programhttps://raisingkidswithpurpose.thrivecart.com/1-1-purpose-parent-program/
Stop the Fighting Toolkithttps://raisingkidswithpurpose.thrivecart.com/stop-the-fighting-toolkit
Free 1:1 Quality Time Toolkit (60+ activity ideas)https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/q5w1d3
Book a Free Call with Adrianewww.raisingkidswithpurpose.com/chat
Full Blog Posthttps://raisingkidswithpurpose.com/parent-child-relationship
BOOKS MENTIONED
Disclosure: Some links below are affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you make a purchase — at no extra cost to you. I only share products I genuinely love and recommend.Hold Onto Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Matéhttps://amzn.to/3QBqnjk (affiliate link)
Books to Read Aloud With Your Kids:
Wild Robot series by Peter Brownhttps://amzn.to/4asskp0 (affiliate link)
Wingfeather Saga by Andrew Petersonhttps://amzn.to/4p3THvE (affiliate link)
Skunk and Badger by Amy Timberlake & Jon Klassenhttps://amzn.to/4gAhJMD (affiliate link)
The Very, Very, Far North by Dan Bar-elhttps://amzn.to/4fcflKC (affiliate link)
CONNECT WITH ADRIANE
Website: raisingkidswithpurpose.comBook a free call: www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com/chat

You know the moment. Your kid does the thing, and before you even think about it you're correcting, lecturing, repeating yourself, and nothing lands. They do the same exact thing the next day! Here's what most parenting advice gets wrong: it's not about what you say!
In this episode, certified parent coach Adriane Thompson breaks down the science of why correction without connection falls flat, and she gives you 4 simple, practical tools to connect with your child first, so your words actually get through. Whether you're dealing with meltdowns, defiance, or just a kid who seems to tune you out, this episode will change the way you show up in the hard moments.
WHAT WE COVER IN THIS EPISODE
Why correction without connection doesn't work
The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, logic, and understanding consequences, is not fully developed until the mid-twenties. When kids are dysregulated, this part of the brain essentially goes offline. No matter how calm or clear your correction is, if your child's nervous system is activated, the message cannot land. Connection is what brings their brain back online and makes them available to hear you.
Research also shows that kids need five positive interactions for every one corrective interaction. That 5:1 ratio matters, and the four tools in this episode are part of how we build it.
Tool #1: Empathize First
Before correcting, offer just enough empathy so your child's nervous system knows they are safe and seen. This isn't about excusing the behavior or skipping the correction; it's about opening the door so the correction can actually get through. Think about how differently you receive feedback when someone checks in with you first versus when they come straight at you with criticism. Our kids are wired the same way.
Tool #2: Get on Their Level
Physically get down to your child's eye level before you say a corrective word. Crouching down, sitting beside them, or placing a gentle hand on their shoulder communicates safety through your body even before you speak. Towering over a child activates their threat response. Eye level does the opposite: it signals connection and collaboration, not confrontation.
Tool #3: Limit Your Words and Actually Listen
When a child is dysregulated, more words make it harder, not easier. Say the most important thing once, clearly, then stop. And then do the part most parents skip: actually listen to what your child has to say. Kids are far more likely to receive correction when they first feel heard. Fewer words, more presence.
Tool #4: Be a Sportscaster
Sportscasting means narrating what you observe without judgment, interpretation, or emotional charge, like a sports commentator describing the action on the field. "I see that you hit your sister. I see that you're really frustrated she took your puzzle." This approach helps kids feel understood, slows everyone's nervous system down, gives kids the language for their own emotions in real time, and creates space for them to begin problem-solving on their own. It works equally well in discipline and in praise.
LINKS & RESOURCES MENTIONED
Blog Post: 11 Ways to Build a Strong Parent-Child Relationship Through Connection:https://raisingkidswithpurpose.com/parent-child-relationship
Book a Free Call with Adriane: www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com/chat
P.U.R.P.O.S.E. Parent Transformation Program: https://raisingkidswithpurpose.thrivecart.com/1-1-purpose-parent-program/
RESEARCH & SOURCES
Prefrontal Cortex Development
The prefrontal cortex continues developing into the mid-twenties. This region governs executive function, decision-making, and impulse control — and is significantly less accessible when a child (or adult) is emotionally activated.
National Institutes of Health — Brain Development - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3621648/ 
The 5:1 Positive-to-Negative Interaction Ratio
Research by Dr. John Gottman originally identified this ratio in relationships, and its principles have been widely applied to parent-child dynamics. Children thrive when the emotional bank account stays full — which requires far more positive deposits than corrective withdrawals.
The Gottman Institute — Positive to Negative Ratio - https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/ 
Co-Regulation and the Developing Nervous System
Children's nervous systems regulate through connection with a calm, regulated adult. This is the science of co-regulation — and it's the foundation for why connection must come before correction.
Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University - https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/serve-and-return/ 
 

Have you felt like you keep giving in and can't follow through on a rule or boundary you've given your kids? This is super common as parents find themselves withs struggling to set boundaries and instead make a bunch of rules that can backfire. In this episode, Adriane unpacks how to set boundaries that actually get kids to listen and make better choices, and also learn how to give your kids autonomy!
In this episode, I'm breaking down the real definition of boundaries vs. rules, why fear-based parenting does the opposite of what you want, and how to set boundaries that build connection, foster your child's autonomy, and create cooperation instead of compliance.
This is one of my favorite topics to teach and one that completely changed how I parent my three neurodivergent 2e boys (who are autistic, gifted, have ADHD, anxiety, OCD, and more!).
In this episode, you'll learn:
The difference between a boundary and a rule (and why it matters so much)
Why consequences and punishments don't actually change behavior
What "connection before correction" looks like in real life
The difference between compliance and cooperation and which one you actually want
How to root your boundaries in your family values so they actually stick
Permanent vs. evolving boundaries as your kids grow
What to do when your kids push back (because they will — and they're supposed to)
Common boundary-setting mistakes and how to avoid them
Resources mentioned:
Full blog post: raisingkidswithpurpose.com/boundaries-with-kids/
Free Family Values Printables: https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/k7y5i5
Setting Boundaries Toolkit (age-appropriate scripts + strategies inside): https://raisingkidswithpurpose.thrivecart.com/setting-boundaries-toolkit/ 
12-Week P.U.R.P.O.S.E. Parent Transformation Program: https://raisingkidswithpurpose.thrivecart.com/1-1-purpose-parent-program/ 
Book a Parent Support Discovery Call: https://calendly.com/adrianerthompson/discovery-call 
Connect with Adriane:
Instagram: www.instagram.com/raisingkidswithpurpose 
Website: www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com 
Facebook: www.facebook.com/raisingkidswithpurpose 
If this episode helped you, would you take 30 seconds to leave a review? It helps other parents find this podcast! Message me if you don't know how to do it!

You may have been told to praise your kids when they're "being good." So you tell them, "Good job" any time they make a good choice; you may use sticker charts and other forms of praise. What if that well-meaning praise is quietly working against the very confidence and motivation you're trying to build?
In this episode, we're digging into what the research actually says about generic praise and why the small shift from praise to encouragement changes everything for your child's brain, resilience, and long-term motivation.
In this episode you'll learn:
Why "good job" isn't actually helping your child (and what's happening in their brain instead)
The 3 types of praise — and which ones build a growth mindset vs. a fixed one
Carol Dweck's research on person praise and why calling your kid "smart" can backfire
The strength-based encouragement formula that combines the best of both worlds
The Sportscaster Method — the easiest way to encourage without empty praise
How to flip from "I'm so proud of you" to something that actually builds self-worth
Practical phrases to use in the moment (even when your brain goes blank)
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Free Strengths Toolkit — Discover your child's core character strengths so you can encourage them intentionally in the moment. 👉https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/d5l5j6 
Read the full blog post — includes the strength-based encouragement infographic, printable phrase guides, and deeper research breakdowns. 👉 raisingkidswithpurpose.com/strength-based-encouragement
Mentioned in this episode: EP 9: The Lie We've Been Told About Consequences — if this episode resonated, go back and listen to Episode 9 where we unpack another big myth about what actually motivates kids: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/9-the-lie-weve-been-told-about-consequences-and-rewards/id1879606964?i=1000760441242 
Books referenced:
Mindset by Dr. Carol Dweck - https://amzn.to/4odKb8O
The Strength Switch by Dr. Lea Waters - https://amzn.to/4ukPh4v
The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey - https://amzn.to/4udwxUk
*The links above are affiliate links. If you purchase through my links, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. I only recommend books I've personally read and love!
Work with Adriane: If you're ready to go deeper, not just with how you talk to your kids, but how you show up regulated, connected, and intentional, the P.U.R.P.O.S.E. Parent Transformation Program is where we do that work together: www.raisingkidswithpurpose.com